Hello again!"Life isn't about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it's about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it." -Unknown
When I started this blog I had every intention of making this a regular thing I posted on. Unfortunately, it's not turned out that way, but as many of you know my husband and I recently began our journey to have more children through IVF. I thought this would be a great time to fire up the old blog as writing has always been therapeutic for me and in hopes that my words can give support and love to those who need it.
For those may be just joining this blog; a year, 5 months and 3 days ago our first daughter Eloise Ava was stillborn. I think about and miss her every single day. February 5, 2015 is a day that our lives were forever changed. There are days that it feels like it's been a lot longer than that and moments that it feels like it just happened a few months ago. Although I still have hard times we have somehow managed to pick up the pieces as best we can.
Time has been a great healer of some emotions. Being grief stricken and unbearably sad are among a few and for that I am grateful. But if I'm being completely honest, there are some feelings that I believe I will always carry with me. Failure, fear and anger for what happened. The thoughts of what if I had done this, did more of that, didn't do this. Maybe if we had gone to the hospital sooner things would be different. I wouldn't be writing these things right now. All these what ifs and different scenarios I've played over in my head millions of times.
How are you ever supposed to make your heart believe that if you had just done one thing different your entire life would be different?!? I don't know that I can ever convince my heart otherwise if I'm being completely honest. That is just the lot that myself and any other person who has experienced loss has been given. These feelings change us and have the power to shape us into bitter, withdrawn people if we choose. Or, we can choose that while deep down we fear the worst of ourselves, there really is no purpose in dwelling on these types of thoughts. Because dwelling on them won't bring my Eloise back to me or change the outcome. What's done is done no matter how much I pray or wish it to be different. Perhaps what I have learned most this last year, 5 months and 3 days is that dwelling on these thought doesn't make Eloise happy either. I'm no expert, but one of the greatest lessons I have learned my from daughter is that we always have a choice. When hard situations come up we always have a choice how it will define us.
In the days and months after Eloise I felt that the only way to really remember her was to do be constantly thinking of her. I really began to close myself off to the world. As the days moved on I found myself in bed longer, sitting in our apartment with all the blinds closed in silence. No T.V. or music just myself thinking of her and all the what ifs. It became very lonely, but with a new job opportunity came light and hope. It felt weird to be in light again. To put on make up again, to get ready for the day. The first time I laughed I felt terrible. I remembering immediately breaking into tears because I felt like I had forgotten her. But as time has passed I now see and feel her in the simplest things. And even though it was really hard to live again when I have those moments where I feel her it's reassurance that Julio and I have done the right thing by choosing to live. Choosing to allow this experience to make us closer, not only to each other, but to our Savior.
Before we got married we knew the possibility of having children wasn't very likely for us. I have stage 4 endometriosis and after surgery in March 2016 I was officially diagnosed with PCOS. So getting pregnant with Eloise was a miracle in every sense of the word. We began meeting with a fertility doctor in January of this year. I always expected after a few years of marriage we'd end up there because of my health issues. To those who have walked a similar path we know there are no quick solutions when it comes to infertility. The only solution is a baby and for some couples that's not easy! It's not always possible and it's not always something you're blessed with immediately. Most of the time it's a lot of being patient, being angry, feeling hopeless and then feeling hopeful. And then, even if you get pregnant it's not over!! You still have to wait 9 months!! For me, the fear of having another stillborn child will always be there! One thing that has really helped me not to fall completely apart as we have struggled with infertility since losing Eloise is to look at this journey as a learning and growing experience. Nothing I do can control the outcome. As much as I wish I could force my body to ovulate or to suddenly cure itself of endo and PCOS I can't. So I just have to take deep breaths and accept. I think by accepting what has happened and what our current situation is has helped me a lot.
Now don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I've always been a happy camper. That doesn't mean I still don't fall apart some days or get angry every month when the red devil pays me a visit! It just simply means that I've come to peace with everything. It's taken me a long time to accept and honestly in some ways I'm still trying to. I still have days where all of this seems incredibly unfair! But I hope by sharing some of these raw feelings it will give you hope that whatever you are facing or have faced or will face you can be at peace too.
As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we learn and are taught that Adam and Eve needed to know pain so they could fully understand happiness. Did they want to leave the Lord's presence? No, but they knew by doing so they could experience all they were meant to experience. I imagine it was the same for each of us before we came here. There are experiences in our lives that we don't want to face, but through our pain, our tears and heartache we will better understand what true happiness is. I think that is something to be really grateful for!! It's not always easy, but it is most definitely worth it whether we see those rewards in this life or the next. All of this of course is much easier said than done, but to those in the midst of trial stay strong and know that happiness, hope and peace will come!
Having more children is not something I thought I would ever be ready for. I remember thinking "How could I ever possibly think of bringing another child into our lives?? Doing so would mean I would be forgetting Eloise!" Now I realize Eloise would love nothing more than to have siblings! She wants nothing more than to see us happy and thriving!!!
A dear friend of mine shared a special excerpt from her great aunts journal with me. Most of it is too sacred and special to share, but I got her permission to share a part that deeply touched my soul. Her aunt was granted a vision and in her vision was able to witness the special connection between mother and child. I now better understand my connection with my daughter. How when I am sad Eloise is sad. When I am happy Eloise is happy. After reading this sacred entry I couldn't help but step into the next room and talk to my baby in hopes that she would feel my love for her! That she would be able to feel that not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and how hard I am trying to live my life the best I can so I can see her again! It made me realize the decision that Julio and I made so many months ago to live life for her was quite possibly the best decision we could have ever made!!
As we begin this new chapter my emotions are everywhere, but I'm so excited! So I'll send a request out into the universe that all turns out well. Prayers, good vibes and magic spells are always appreciated as we begin our journey!
XOXO
