"If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting."
It's always easy to look back after passing through something difficult and see the blessings perhaps even the reason for that trial. Not always so easy to see the blessings when the trial is staring you in the face. I'm the type of person that if I can understand the reason for something happening or understand the "why" part of it I seem to manage things a lot better.
Which is why what I am about to share was a curveball in my healing process as it is a completely different and new kind of way of helping me understand maybe a little bit why we have been asked to pass through this particular trial.
Flashback to the day in February when we were in hospital. So much was going on with different decisions needing to be made and all this information coming at us from doctors, nurses and counselors. It was overwhelming!! I vaguely remember the hospital making arrangements for a photographer to come in and take pictures for us let alone really remember those pictures being taken. I was in such a state of shock and disbelief.
These photographers offer their time and services to the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization. Maybe some have heard of this amazing organization maybe some haven't. They offer free professional portraits to families of stillborn babies or to families whose children won't live long after birth.
A few days ago, I received an email of the portraits from that day. At first I was really hesitant to look at the pictures because I wasn't sure what to expect. They were well worth the wait and these photos are something that I will forever cherish and be grateful that we have.
I look at these pictures and I can't help but cry. It brings back everything from that day. Every feeling and emotion. The first time I looked through all of the pictures I found it hard to believe that was me in the pictures. I can see the heartbreak in my eyes and on my face. My eyelids were swollen for days just from crying so much. I didn't think it was possible to have so many tears, but they just kept coming.
I remember being in the hospital and thinking to myself, "How am I ever going to get through this?!? This is too much. It's too hard!!" I remember feeling so hopeless, lost, sad and overcome with every other emotion associated with the pain of losing our daughter. I not only had my feelings, but I felt so deeply for my husband as well! I worried about him and how he would make it through this! It's amazing how just a picture can bring back so many emotions!
My heart still hurts and I imagine it will hurt for a long time. But oh how I would love to go back and have a visit with myself that day in February. Wrap my arms around her and assure her that yes this road will be tough. Yes, there will be days when the heartache is unbearable. And what's worse, you won't receive a single explanation as to why this happened. But even though this trial is something you never asked for you will little by little begin to realize that you wouldn't trade it for anything because of what it will teach you about yourself, about your husband and about how strong you both are. In fact, because of this trial you'll soon realize that there isn't any trial, hardship or challenge that you two cannot face together after having gone through this. I'd tell her to hold on for hope to come because it will.
Even now as I type this I realize it's been 3 months today. Three months down and a lifetime to go! Every time the 5th rolls around it still amazes me that we've made it another month. It should be cause for celebration!! I can imagine Eloise and my dad celebrating in heaven the fact that we've made it another month. I hope they celebrate by sharing two hostess cupcakes! As a wise friend once said "There has to be cake in heaven!" :)
Receiving these pictures made me realize just how far I have come in my healing process and made me reflect on all the blessings we have received and will continue to receive. It also made me realize that maybe a part of the reason for this trial is not actually for myself, but for those around me who may at some point experience something similar or be faced with a different kind trial in their life. We will all be faced with challenges at some point and they will come to us in many different ways.
To those reading who are struggling know that you can lean on me until you feel strong enough to stand on your own. I know what it feels like to be faced with something you're not sure how you will ever overcome. The journey will be hard, probably full of ups and downs, but I promise you that if you will just hold on it will be worth it! Here I am standing along with my husband after having experienced something no parent should have to and we can say to you that we are doing it and so can you! Keep moving forward!! Hold on for hope because it will come!
I can't help but feel that Eloise looks down on us and smiles and is proud of her parents. Well…at least I hope she does. I hope she misses us just as much as we miss her. How grateful I am to know that death is not the end. We will see each other again and how great a reunion that will be. I live for that day!
