Finding Happiness

"Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be."

A friend of mine recently asked me if I was finding happiness. That was kind of a difficult question to answer. I haven't really thought much about my happiness. All I could manage to come up with was that it's coming slowly. There are still hard days, but overall I feel hope. It's been interesting as I've moved through this experience to learn about myself in ways I never imagined. I find it hard to believe that it's only been 2 1/2 months. It feels so much longer than that. It's hard that life has moved on. That, dare I say it, I've even tried to move forward.
Eloise's due date was a few weeks ago. I had thought about writing a blog post, a letter to her, but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. It just seemed too difficult. I wasn't sure how the day was going to be for me....for us. It ended up being a day full of ups and downs. I feel like the days leading up to that day were more rocky than the actual day itself.
One helpful thing was Julio and I planned a little getaway to California. We left that night, so most of the day at work I had plenty of time to think about what might have been. I was back to feeling the waves of indescribable sadness. Julio reminded me a few times throughout the day of our pact we had made that when we were on our vacation we weren't allowed to be sad. I reminded him we weren't in California yet, so I could be sad all I wanted. haha
It ended up being just what both of us needed. It was nice to get away, to be together and celebrate our Eloise. She brought us so much happiness and has helped us realize things about ourselves we would never have otherwise learned had she not come to us in the way she did. I've began to think of her as our Unexpected Miracle so it was nice to be in places where we felt like we were celebrating her short life with us and creating memories we would have created had she been able to be with us. And I'm happy to say no tears were shed. In fact, I don't think I've laughed that much since before losing Eloise.



My husband has this amazing ability to make anything fun! He's such a big kid at heart and that's one of the things I love most about him. It's also how I know that he is the best dad for Eloise and our future children. It had been several years since he had been to Disneyland so in ways it was like being there with a kid for the very first time! It was non-stop fun that whole day!
A huge highlight for both of us was to be able to do a session in the San Diego temple. I had never been there before. It was absolutely stunning! It's the first time Julio and I had been back to the temple together. The feelings and comfort we received there brought me to tears. Some things are just too personal and sacred to talk about, but what I will say is how grateful I am for temples and the peace that comes from being there.

 I've heard it said, "the cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea".  Perhaps the thing I was looking forward to most was being by the ocean. I am drawn to the sea. There's just something about it that soothes my soul. When I was younger, I often found myself on a beach when I was going through hard times and just needed a break, so it was fitting that we found ourselves there a couple of times during our trip. I've often described this trial like waves of the sea. Everything just ebbs and flows. There are good days and bad days, ups and downs. The main goal is just to stay afloat.










Sitting on the beach I had a few quiet moments to think about the passed little while. As I said before it seems like so much longer than 2 1/2 months. I thought about how interesting this has been to fumble through and figure out.
Lately though, my thoughts have seemed to be focused on this thing called grief. It's an interesting emotion. It's messy and full of ups and downs. And just when you think you've mastered everything about it along comes another aspect to teach you something else.
Each person grieves differently. Handles their emotions differently. Even Julio had I have dealt with this loss separately at times. I'm definitely more outspoken about things than he is. I find strength in expressing my emotions and talking with others about what I'm going through. I think I've always been that way. Now, being passed the initial shock and heartbreak of losing Eloise comes the learning of still living life. I know I've mentioned this before or something similar in past posts, but each day there's something different to learn about it.
What's hard is sometimes I put pressure on myself that I should be doing better than I am. I should be over this already. My faith and hope in Jesus Christ and His plan for his children should be enough! I've had to remind myself over and over the importance of compassion towards myself. No one expects me to be "over it" in 2 1/2 months or even a year! And while I feel fortunate enough to belong to the faith that I do and know what I believe is true that doesn't rule me out from being human and just plain being sad about what we've been faced with. It's perfectly ok for me to admit to having hard days. There's a part of me that will always be grieving. I've spoken with a lot of women who have been through a similar experience, some years and years ago and they talk like it happened just yesterday. There will always be pain. The challenge is learning to live with it.
Most of the time when I think about Eloise it's this deep yearning to have her here. I miss her. I look at those around me having children and raising their children and think how much I wish I had the opportunity to get to know who she is. I don't know what makes her special, what her quirks are, her favorite color or even what color her eyes are. I can only speculate and make things up in my head. Right now that is what's so hard. I pray often that through sacred moments I will somehow, some way be able to know who she is. As silly as it sounds I keep praying to see her. To know she's ok and happy. I smile and get tearful thinking of all the fun she is having with my dad.
Though there have been many, many tears shed (and I expect there will be many more in the days and years to come) there have also been just as many if not more moments of hope, joy and happiness. It's in those moments I feel closest to my Eloise. It's in those moments I realize just how lucky I am to have her for my daughter.