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"Grief is the price we pay for love"-Queen Elizabeth II

I've had a lot of thoughts these past few weeks since my first post. A lot has happened too. First of all, I quit my job that I've been at for the past 3 years to work out at our family farm. I realized that I needed to be in an environment where I could heal and would allow me to heal. No better way to do that than to be with family. It's been a good change. A much needed change.
Going back to work was hard. Funny thing about staying busy is it doesn't give you as much time to think about the things that make you sad, angry, frustrated or on the verge of tears all day. I suppose that's a good thing. I guess I've since learned that it is a good thing even if at first I felt bad about not having as much time as I did in the beginning to mourn my Eloise.
Although I've tried to take steps to get back into a routine I still allow myself to have moments of grief.  I allow myself to talk to her in my mind and tell her how much I wish that she was here instead of where she is now. I still have moments when the unbearable heartache out of no where hits me square in the chest. It's not easy to forget when signs and evidence that she was once with me are all over my body when I look in the mirror, but now all I have is a memory. It's not easy seeing pictures of pregnant bellies, new moms with their babies and being reminded that I should be posting pictures right along with them. Even with time the pain never goes away. You simply just learn how to live with loss.
My biggest fear from day one has been that people will forget her. I could never forget her. I think that's why there's a part of me that wants to stay in this stage of grief and pain forever, because in some way that means I'm not forgetting her. Does that make sense? Is it weird that when I realize I've gone awhile without thinking of her I feel guilty? That I feel like I've hurt her feelings?
I recently described this past little while to a friend as it feeling like I had been shoved down the rabbit hole. I'm just free falling. Not being able to tell up from down. This experience has definitely been the biggest test of my faith. It has tested everything I believe in. It has tested my faith in God, in His plan and even in myself. I remember going through a similar test when my dad passed away and being faced with the questions: Do I really believe all I've been taught to believe? Do I believe I will be with him again? In ways the same questions are being asked only on a much more personal level. Looking back I realize losing my dad was just preparation.
Regardless of what kind of day I'm having or moments when I think how incredibly unfair this all is, I have to dig down deep and believe that somehow despite my lack of answers and understanding that everything will one day work itself out. I don't know how it will, but I have to believe it will. I have to find hope even if it's in the smallest thing. Because if I allowed the doubts and fears to take over I would drown and most days I struggle just to keep my head above water. My mom has always reminded me that with hope we have everything. Without it we have nothing. I'm beginning to understand how true that is.
I will be honest and say that I have been completely dreading the month of April! Eloise was due April 16. I'm not quite sure how to prepare for what lies ahead. I some times just wish I could take a sedative that knocks me out til June, but that would be too easy!
I do want to take a moment and say something about my amazing husband Julio. I wish I could be more like him. He has what I believe to be the God given gift of being able to accept whatever life throws at him. And life has certainly dealt him his share of unfair hands at times. I wish I could accept what has happened just as easily as he has. However, I know this hasn't been easy for him. He grieves in his own way. I know he's had his broken, painful moments too. His strength amazes me though and I honestly wouldn't choose anyone else to navigate this challenge with. I guess that's how I know I've made the right decision in being with him forever. He is definitely my rock and I am grateful that he allows me to cry it all out some nights. I am grateful for his patience with me. And I am especially grateful that when the moments get a little too unbearable or serious he is there trying to make me laugh and smile.
Tonight I found myself prompted to go to a group therapy session that is held every month for families that have lost babies. I had planned in my mind all week to go, but of course I forgot and realized 15 minutes after it had already started. I debated whether or not to still go, but I felt like even if I was there for a few minutes I should still try and go.
Unfortunately, I read the card wrong and thought that the class was being held on the Labor & Delivery floor in the hospital! So there I found myself retracing my steps up to the 5th floor just as we had done almost two months ago. It wasn't until I was standing outside of Labor & Delivery talking to the nurse on the phone that I realized I had read the card wrong! The thought had crossed my mind that it was awfully cruel of them to hold a grief session in the same place I had given birth!!! When I found out where I was to go I hung up the phone and cried the whole way down the elevator and out to my car.
Like all things end when you follow a prompting I am so glad that I went. Although all of us have been through the pain of losing a child, how we have experienced that pain is different and personal. There is something about talking with people who have in some way experienced a taste of what you have been through that is so healing and comforting. To have people validate your feelings whether they be good or bad is such a healing thing.
In the weeks that followed the birth of Eloise I remember telling Julio, "if one more person tells me 'you're such a special woman to be the mother of such a perfect daughter' I may just starting screaming or punch you in the face!" I hated hearing that because I don't want to be a "special" person and I don't want my daughter to be perfect either! I just want to be like every other mom that gets to raise her child now.
I don't even know their names because I ended up being 45 minutes late to the group session, but I am grateful for the women I had the opportunity to be with tonight. I'm grateful they were brave enough to share their stories and feelings with me. It hit me as I was sharing some of my thoughts that indeed I was sitting in a room full of special women who had given birth to some very special and perfect children. Not every woman could bear what we have been asked to bear nor should any woman have to. I don't mean to say that in a "hair toss toss look at me kind" of way either. I think I just realized that although that was hard to hear from people at first (and it still is some days) there is purpose within this trial even if I don't understand all aspects of it yet. Somehow this experience is shaping me into the person I need to become. Somehow every morning (and not by my own strength) I am able to face another day.
I suppose knowing Eloise is where we all long to be and that she's made it should bring me some sort of comfort. I should be happy! After all, as a parent all you want is for your children to be where she is. Now it's up to me to live my life so I can be with her. I some times think I shouldn't be sad knowing what I know. I'm not to that point yet, but I have hope that one day I will be.